What does being a feminist entail? I've never heard it defined in vivid detail. I'd like to think of myself as a feminist, it sounds good, catchy, strong, but until I actually know what it means, I'd just be a fraud on the 'feminist' bandwagon.

How about this for a definition: a feminist is one who is an activist for all causes unique to females - experiences  unique to females such pregnancy, abortion , birth, breastfeeding,  motherhood and menopause;  unique societal issues such as female discrimination, chauvinism, prejudice, objectification, sexual harassment, sexual abuse and domestic abuse;  unique health issues such as breast and cervical cancer, menstrual and fertility problems (deeply sorry if I've left anything imperative out, also I know many experiences such as domestic abuse go both ways, but I am speaking of the female experience).

But it goes deeper than that to the 'role' of a woman. How she is controlled, pressured, pushed, harassed, criticized, objectified, labeled, oppressed and depressed into a tiny little box. And with that I'm confused as to what it is my society wants a woman to be. Is it a stay at home mother, a career woman, a family manager, a submissive wife, a busty sex queen, or a modest cookie cutter soccer mum?

None of that is me, I refuse to be labeled by anyone. Maybe I'm too proud, but to me a person is so much more than a mere description. I don't want to BE anything in particular, I just want to be, I just want the world to let me be.  And for the record ‘woman' describes anyone with female genitalia, and I'm happy to own that, but any other societal expectations and prejudices placed on me because I am a woman can go shove it.

When researching for this post I found over 17 different types of feminist movements, all of them generally believed women were oppressed by dominating men. I don't feel oppressed, do you? But often what we think is normal, healthy and fine, is actually abnormal, unhealthy and unnatural – we just have nothing to compare it to. I can not believe some Muslim women have to wear burka's or be escorted by a man in public! But I haven't been brought up in a strict Muslim community, which to many women, I suspect, feels very normal.

The one way I do feel oppressed however, is in the fact there are so few women in positions of influence and power running the country. That's what many mothers excel in – managing a family, negotiating conflict, understanding different points of view, nurturing those in need, making sure everyone is fed, clothed and cared for. Every night I shake my head in disappointment at the deployment of more soldiers sent to resolve a conflict – WTF??!! I bite my tongue out of respect for the males in the room, but what I really want to say is, "is violence the only way men know how to solve a problem?!" I know all males aren't like this, I have three boys, and I know, like females, they are exposed to immense pressure to conform to societal gender norms. I make a conscious effort to encourage their individuality in whatever interests they pursue, and I am determined to raise little boys that see gender prejudice as needless and oppressive.

Feminism starts with parents in the home; raising daughters with confidence and high self-esteem, with the belief they are held under no one's thumb. This is the beginning of a generation of women who may hopefully infiltrate government, bringing with them the immeasurable skills of motherhood, and with that a country that resembles more of a gigantic family rather than a warzone.

Yes I do consider myself a feminist – not a man hater or a lesbian (though those certainly do exist in the feminist community), but a person who recognizes most females go unrecognized, undervalued, underestimated, and underutilized in their strength, potential and abilities, that could not only be a massive contribution to the running of our country, but the major influence steering our country in a more individual, family and community oriented direction.

Simply put though, as one feminist said, "A feminist is a woman who just doesn't want to be treated like shit." Enough said.

Strengthening Our Daughters:

• Encourage Discussion: Discuss the history of feminism and the struggles women have faced in the past and still face today. Discuss how images of females in the media are portrayed; how it makes her feel; how she feels about her own appearance and achievements?
• Try and try again: Encourage her to never stop exploring and trying, offer suggestions but help her feel capable and confident that she can solve her own problems. Resist the urge to always protect and rescue her.
• Provide Diverse Opportunities: Experiment with a wide range of people, activities, hobbies and skills – never assume you know what she may like.
• Regular Sports and Physical Activity: This enhances mental health, reducing symptoms of stress and depression, and can provide a sense of strength and accomplishment. It also reduces the risk of chronic diseases. Female athletes have been shown to perform better academically and have lower school drop-out rates than non-athletes.
• Education: Studies show education plays a key role in improving the quality of women's lives. Math's has shown to be key in achieving equal pay to men.
• Be the Role Model: Monitor your own comments about your self and your daughter. Watch your own stereotypes; help fix the kitchen sink and let dad make dinner. Surround your daughter with other strong confident women. Give her real-life role models that are inspiring and encouraging.
• Get dad involved: Girls with active, hardworking dads attend college more often and are more ambitious, more successful in school, more likely to attain careers of their own, less dependent, more self protective, and less likely to date an abusive man.

References:

"A child has formed 80% of his / her personality by the age of three years old." This statement has haunted me from the day I heard it. If it were true, the experiences and relationships my child has will be the basis of his entire life - that's not to be taken lightly.

I investigated further, and yes an infant's brain grows to 80% of adult size by three years of age, and 90% by age five. An infant experiences a massive burst of brain formation known as the 'exuberant period', at its peak creating an astonishing two million new synapses every second. Connections that are used frequently become permanent, those that are neglected die off. This is where experience is vital in wiring an infants brain - experiences of neglect and abuse literally cause genetically normal children to become mentally retarded. Children who are malnourished throughout this period do not adequately grow, either physically or mentally.

Parents who are preoccupied, who do not have the resources, information, or time, may not provide the stimulating experiences needed for infant brain development. For instance infants and children who are rarely spoken to, exposed to few toys, and have little opportunity to explore and experiment with their environment, may fail to fully develop the neural connections.
Infants whose mothers frequently speak to them learn almost 300 more words by age 2 than their peers whose mothers rarely speak to them. Mere exposure to language such as listening to the television or to adults talking amongst themselves provides little benefit. Rather infants need to interact directly with other human beings, to hear people talking about what they are seeing and experiencing, in order for them to develop optimal language skills. Unfortunately, many parents are under the mistaken impression that talking to babies is not very important because they are too young to understand what is being said.

Chronic stress in an infant, such as that seen in cry-it-out techniques, causes inhibited nerve tissue development in the brain, growth suppression, and immune system depression. Regions of the brain are altered similar to that seen in adults with depression. Infants who experience persistent crying episodes are 10 times more likely to have ADHD, poor school performance, poor fine motor development and antisocial behaviour. Such a child may display increased aggression, impulsivity, emotional unattachment, and violence later in life due to an overactive adrenal system.

The sensitivity and responsiveness of a parent stimulates and shapes sections of the brain responsible for attachment and emotional well-being. It's been noted the single most important influence of a child’s intellectual development is the responsiveness of the mother to the cues of her child.

Things you can do to positively stimulate your baby:

• Show love and affection, respond to your babies cries without hesitation.
• Talk to your baby often with a kind voice, a wide range of vocabulary, and a lot of expression, and encourage imitation.
• Touch your baby, researchers discovered that premature infants that were massaged grew faster, cried less, and were released earlier from the hospital than those who weren't.
• Let your baby experience and explore different surroundings, textures and temperatures.
• Read books and play music (Mozart's music has been found to stimulate the same parts of the brain that are later used for mathematics).

References:

Nature, Nurture and Early Brain Development
by Sara Gable, State Extension Specialist, Human Development
Brain Development - Frequently Asked Questions
Science Says: Excessive Crying Could Be Harmful to Babies
Baby Brain Development

Little girls look at mothers with reverence, for some little girls a mummy is all they want to be when they grow up. I for one wanted to be a mama.

But when the dream of becoming a mother came true for me, the transition to motherhood wasn't as rosy as I imagined. Modern parenting is a lot more stressful than you imagine. To attain a modern standard of living while raising a child you've got to do a hell of a lot of work. Houses, cars and groceries, social life, appearance, cleaning, laundry, your relationship, some sort of career, along with the myriad of standards you as a parent are to live up to if you are to be accepted in this society…is that clear!

What happened to the dream of motherhood being a beautiful, love filled adventure (rather than a regimented 'boot camp')? So much time was taken up meeting every societal standard, there was barely enough time to actually enjoy parenthood. For me, it got to the point where I literally threw my hands up and gave up; but it's always in those moments that a spark rises up from the ashes. And that I believe is where 'maternal instincts' lie.

As soon as I gave up obsessing over the judgments and opinions of 'everybody else' my instincts, usually hidden under layers of stress, made themselves apparent – and it felt so damn good. Letting go of my fears and worries allowed my body to actually function correctly and my mind to think clearly. It was the bombardment of pointless, useless fear mongering by the media and those around me, that sent my mind and emotions into a spin, clouding my ability to make authentic, instinctive decisions.

It was a matter of 'how long am I going to let others decide for me what is best for my family?' My tolerance wasn't very high, but it took guts to learn to trust myself and take responsibility for my decisions. So how long are you going to continue to get taken for a ride, before you decide it's not good enough for your family?
I know what is right for my family, I may not be a doctor or a psychologist, but I know instinctively when my child is in danger – and I won't be ridiculed for it. I am more bonded and connected to my child than anyone else, therefore I should be the only one with the responsibility of making decisions for my child –  if it doesn't feel right in my gut, I don't do it.

Motherhood forced me to become strong, to find out who I was, to stand up for myself, but most of all to trust myself. When asked what are 'maternal instincts', I say it is the powerful, yet highly underrated ability to TRUST yourself as a mother.

"I breastfeed in public, but I am respectful of others, I use a blanket or cover", I've often heard mothers say this, and this statement has always irritated me. It implies nursing mothers who don't use a blanket or cover in public are disrespectful of others, and it has a tendency to make mothers feel ashamed of breastfeeding in general.

Breastfeeding, no matter what species, is natural, functional and healthy; breasts are there to provide vital nutrition to the infant. It's basic biology, there is no mystery about it, so why should the sight of a nursing breast be so controversial?

It's apparent to me that breasts are extremely sexualized in our culture. I'd go as far to say they are fetishized, not to mention utterly exploited for marketing purposes. The unfortunate result for women has been the disempowerment of the use of their own breasts, to the point they feel ashamed of having to use their breasts to feed their child in public, because they don't want to appear sexually suggestive. At least this is how I feel as a mother having been raised in this culture.

It seems logical that the driving force behind the sexualization of breasts may be the fact that breasts are almost always hidden. The more hidden or mysterious something is, the more desirable it becomes, and the more scandalous it's considered when exposed. For example there was a time when the sight of a woman's ankles was exciting for men.  Exacerbating the problem is that breasts are usually only ever seen during sexual encounters, further cementing their role in our society as only sexual.

On the other end of the scale, in some tribal cultures the sight of a breastfeeding mother with breasts fully exposed is common place and hence not arousing to men. In these tribes breasts are deemed primarily as feeding tools, not for sexual arousal. There's no sensationalism, just rational common sense. In an article I read about these women, they were laughing at the thought of Western men obsessed with breasts, exclaiming, "you mean to say they act like babies!?"

Pygmy Mother Nursing

So where does Western culture move forward from here? Why do we find it so hard to accept breasts can be sexual and a feeding tool? I can vouch that  nipple stimulation is great during sex... but so is using my hands to touch or my lips to kiss. Breasts are just another part of the body, like hands or lips, with multiple functions. Sexual arousal can be one such function, but breastfeeding is biologically and primarily the most important function.

"There is no nutritional value in breastfeeding past the age of 12 months". Not only is this statement wrong (breastmilk has fantastic nutritional value for anyone who consumes it), it also implies there is no reason to breastfeed your child past the age of 12 months, which couldn't be further from the truth (the immunological benefits are vital to a child as their immune system does not fully develop until the age of six).

When I first heard the above statement, I didn't know any different, like so many other mums. I'd done a small amount of reading on the subject of breastfeeding, but it seemed "why breastfeed if it's no longer convenient, and there's perfectly good formula as a substitute". After all, aren't these the perks of a modern feminist culture, we don't have to breastfeed, we have all sorts of inventions to give us time to do other things? I even had an incredibly involved partner who was eagerly willing to take over parenting jobs whenever I wished.

Newborn Jamie

Yet as easy as I had it, it all seemed to backfire; the connection with my child dwindled, and I was diagnosed with post-natal depression. Though it happened so subtly, each day more formula instead of breastmilk, more time with other carers, and eventually I felt like a stranger to my child. I'd completely weaned him from the breast, and between daycare, and family members eager to care for him, I was barely spending any time with him anymore.

I loved my little boy dearly, but I wasn't 'in charge' as a parent. I put everyone else's opinions regarding my parenting above my own. I didn't trust my own instincts, desires and opinions, I honestly thought everyone else knew better, so I just did what everyone else told me to do. And before I knew it the motherhood I dreamed of since I was a child and had finally achieved, slipped from my fingers.

My journey out of post-natal depression and becoming 'in charge' as a parent started with a lot of research about parenting. I learnt formula is in no way 'equal' to breastmilk, the main point being it lacks the immunological benefits of breastmilk, protecting children against many illnesses and improving brain function. The skin to skin contact also helps maintain the bond between mother and child.

Things really took off when I joined in discussions with other mothers online. I heard from mothers and websites that were living and promoting my mothering dream – babywearing, co-sleeping, breastfeeding well beyond 12 months, healthy vegetarian diets, non-vaccination, gentle guidance as apposed to punishment. This was the encouragement I needed; no, my parenting ideals weren't abnormal, mothers all over the world were parenting in the same way my instincts always veered towards. The support I had may have only been from strangers online, but it was enough to give me the strength to take back my relationship with my son.


After completely weaning my son at 12 months, I allowed him, now 15 months, to suckle again whenever he felt inclined, and slowly built up a steady milk supply. I looked after my son almost entirely on my own; I didn't want anyone else to look after him anymore, I wanted to enjoy him, as was always the plan, and my motherhood dream.

Toddler Jamie

This winter I have felt such pride. My boy, now 20 months, has never had any sickness past a runny nose. I have watched friends around me with their little ones continually sick, taking trips to the doctor and even hospital. I attribute my son's health entirely to his daily intake of breastmilk, and the unrivalled immunological properties it contains.

When I hear statements like "there is no nutritional value in breastfeeding past the age of 12 months", I am now educated and strong enough to stand up for myself; I don't rely on another persons judgment when it comes to the welfare of my children, and beyond any opinion I will always trust my gut.

My lesson was I must trust myself as a mother, stand up for myself in the face of opposition, and never feel guilty about putting my love for my child above anyone or anything else. There is so much parenting advice available it is mind boggling. The most important advice I can personally give is to let your love for your child be your guide to parenting, it will always steer you in the right direction.